A letter for my beloved

dear you,
My mind can't work so good know. All I wanna say that I want you. Please say that you want me too. Leave her because she not the truth. I swear you will disappointed if you let me go.
Can I ask you something? Why you said all that shit if you never have felling for me. Why you always help me out. Why you act like me the only girl make you live? why?
then you say that you have a girl. then you say that you love that girl. what is that mean.
you make me confuse.
First time you said that I am not like the other girl. you say that I'm special one, then you said you my friend. I remember that you ever said to other that you are my boy. then you always by my side. always there for me. you the sweetest. you make me fall for you. I'm crazy about you.
if you know just a second not see your face, I die. but I can do nothing. because we just friend. then we meet again. we getting closer, and closer. I let my self fall to you. I wanna say that I want stand beside you. I really do.
Then that happen. you say you have a girl since the first time we met. you say you love her. please don't do this. I want you.  I don't know how to make it right. I don't care about the world because all I want is you. why you do this to me?
am I ever hurt you? why you hate me so bad. You make me fall in love to you then you just go with another girl. I never understand that. am I ever doing something wrong? am I ever said something hurt you? am I?
I really don't understand but you take a step. you left me and I just standing here. in the first place we meet. this place throw my dream to be with you. I really hurt. this thing messing me up. I can't think right.
I will learn how to let you go. I will learn to happy when you happy with her. I do. I really hope your happiness. and sooner or letter you will forget. or maybe you never remember. maybe our story just illusion, maybe that never happen. maybe me hope to much.
I will let time cure this broken. maybe someday we can smile to each other or maybe we like people never know each other. I don't know. I will try the best I can do...
but I always thank for you who came to my live and teach something worth....

December 31th, 2014
sincerely

your just friend

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All I want

I want to believe that everything will be alright
but at the end that just a bullshit
I want to believe if we doing something we will get a thing
but I already try everything but I got nothing
I want to believe it, I do
but all my fate just gone piece by piece

This live full of arrogant people
they think they own this world
this live full of the fake
killing behind, betrayer, have no brave
this live full of lie
what we see is not the truth

Is this live just nothing?
people be good until they get what they want
is this live just nothing?
all smile is fake, that weapon to kill
is this live just nothing?
how I could get something

Play drama, fake smiling, talk a lie
everything full of that thing
is that any truth?
I miss it

I want I can sleep without worry about anything
wake up in the morning with face full of smiling
because I know all problem can be breaking
just with a trusting

I want to have a believe
that ugly people don't mean ugly hurt
all people is pure like Eve
this live must full of ark
that must be a gift
all be good each park

But I live in the real
all I do have a deal
if I can't full fill it that worse than be kill
why this live can't through with chill

I know why they do that
I understand, I bet
but because live just fate
all sad is bad
but all happiness is fake
how could I live with all I get
live like this so hate
killing or be killed like big cat
all getting worth with people have bleed
never better without sad

Nov 10th, 2014

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Live

Sometime I just wanna give up and let it happen
sometime I want to stop, look same from the beginning
sometime I bored and just wanna sleep the all time
sometime I just wanna quit, look I never do an effort

Nothing make me survive, everything hopeless
nothing hold me to stay, everything useless
nothing I really wanna do
nothing

But I can't stop, it just happen
but I have to survive, although nothing hope
but I have to through

This happen just like that
this happen out of my mind
this happen without any excuse

I know I can run, but I don't know where I have to go
I know I can stop any time, but I will pay it worse
I know I can doing nothing to help my self
I know I can't hope an help
I know it already

This way not to hard but complicated
I get in but there is no way out
it's not so dark but everywhere is wall
no door

I stuck here
run just waste my energy
think can't make nothing handy
smiling make everything so badly
so I watch everything
hear anything
ya, just walk on it
ya, that live

Nov 10-12th, 2014

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I tell you my secret

Do you know when I act so stout
actually I hiding my crumbly
do you know when I so hard
actually I hiding my soft side

Because I don't want anyone feel sorry about me
because I don't want any attention from this
because I want see who can see through me

Are you really believe when I say never, that no chance?
are you really believe when I said impossible, that no possibility?
you just see the outside, judge me
it really hurt me

When I said never you just step back and stay
when I said impossible, you doing nothing even waiting
if you see me, the real me
you will know I ask you wait for me
you will know I want you like crazy
you will know I need you badly
you will know I defending from fall for you
you will know I am nothing without you
you will know I die when there is no you

But you so blind, you never know that
but you so arrogant, just judge from the outside
but you always like that, maybe much better I step back
I waiting for time, when I never see you anymore
I will forget you a little bit, then a little more
until someday it be no feeling more

Why you so blind? I already show you
why you so arrogant? I always ask you to stay
why you just like that? you hurt me

maybe that why we will never be together
you can't understand me
and I clumsy, can't fit with you
if someday you realize, it already late
but yes, I was love you

Nov 7th, 2014

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Dummy reality

Your act give me hope
hope you hold me tight
and never let me go
hope you going crazy about me
hope you come and get me
hope you just think about me
yes, I do
I hope that can be real

You right in front of me
but not real you, you so far from me
you right in front of my eye
but not me in your eye

You love me but ask me out
you want me but keep a distance
do you think about me? I hesitate

Are you playing this feeling, my feeling
if you love me, say it
are you playing this feeling, my feeling
if you hate me, call it

Sometime you like want me
at the same time you pull me out
sometime you give me a more then friend attention
at the same time you just not noticing

You make me confuse
I don't know what to do
you pull me up when I step back
I really don't know what I should do
you push me when I go forward

Just tell me the truth
can I make it through
or just enough
I can't wait so stout

Nov 7th. 2014

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Mistake

First time I meet you
You tell me all your suffer
how people around you threat you
I sorry about that
infect that mistake

After I know you
I understand why people threat you like that
nobody be bad to anyone unless you do bad thing
no one hurt anybody unless you hurt them first
you must be have done some mistake

you change your self and loss your way
then you ask me too, but I will never do that
you never have no idea how I made this far
you just cross on my way, don't ruin it
that a mistake

I care about your problem
I care about you
but force me throw away my self
who are you
you just a mistake

Everybody have problem, they are suffer
Some people solve it, some just run away
but that make them through their life
So do you, you already do that
but never ever ask me do whatever you already do
you have a mistake

You have your way, go ahead
I have my way, don't disturb that
all your is always your
but force me do what you do
I'm not you
do you know where the mistake

Now I know why nobody don't care about you
now I know why you so pathetic
now I know that care about you is big mistake

You are hopeless and helpless
because you always act know everything but you are not
just judge but never dig deeper
do you know what your mistake

You are hopeless and helpless
so I do like people around you before
stay away from you, and reject you
hope you realize where your mistake

Oct 29th - Nov 1st 2014

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To: My fake friends

We maybe ever have story
but it already end
We maybe ever laugh together
but it never gonna happen again

Because everything is not real
because you are fake
and everything happen just illusion

You always ask all you want like you understand well
but not
you act like know me, expose me
but you are not

what do you want?
everything attention?
take it
but not by humiliation me

I much better without you who always bothering my way
I much better without you who ask me be somebody not me
I much better without you who think know everything

You are wrong
loosing me is your big mistake, honey
you already know now that

Then you know you can't loss me
and you ask me to give a damn attention
you want to approaching me again
I will always give you a fake smile whenever I want
just not all the time
begging for that, my fake friend

I much better without you who always bothering my way
I much better without you who ask me be somebody not me
I much better without you who think know everything

You already choose and you are loose
take it enjoy it and worth it
you walk in your way and so do I
never cross my way anymore
just stay away from me
you discomfort me

I know the real you
smiling hope get any attention, hopeless
I know the real you, your kind for a purpose
and all people already know that
I know the real you, so don't be fake
pathetic

Begging me on your knee
will never make me forgiving you
liar is always liar

Are you really a human
every inch of you is not real
my suggestion from the rest of my care
stay away from me and enjoy your fake

I much better without you who always bothering my way
I much better without you who ask me be somebody not me
I much better without you who think know everything

Oct 29th - Nov 1st 2014

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